Women vs Nerds

I woke up this morning with a strong need to dilute the convoluted mystery of women and nerds. Although the idea has been updated with great strides on inclusion and changing gender roles/ identifications it’s relevance is still apparent as the bridge to mental health widens.

The story- Women aren’t attracted to a man without self confidence so they find one with an abundance of self confidence only to discover he’s angry, aggressive and doesn’t treat her well. He’s the “bad boy” women hate to love. It’s an age old story we’ve been telling for thousands of years and it’s the tale of woe for every self declared, confidence starved nerd. The truth is the bad boy is just as, if not more insecure than the nerd. He hides all that shame under billowing piles of ego so really there are no bad boys or nerds just insecure men with varied coping mechanisms. So I’d like to point out why this cycle of suffering isn’t really anyone’s fault and how we get off the hamster wheel.

Men are often touted as having a hard wire in their brain to protect and provide. Well women have a similarly corresponding hardwire as it relates to choosing a man that can adequately do that. For some women that translates to your standard gold digger finding a partner that can financially care for her. While all are not that shallow, every man loving woman subconsciously is looking for weak spots in his self confidence. Insecurity means he might hesitate or fail to engage when it comes to protecting and providing. That need for survival out weighs our need for vulnerability and intimacy. Sure we all eventually admit that we really want a man that can be vulnerable and share his feelings but most men feel that leads to his ego being chewed up and spit on the floor. What women REALLY want is a man secure enough to be confident AND vulnerable. But do they hold themselves to the same standard?

As human beings we all have insecurities. Women want to talk them out- they know giving a wound air helps it heal. Men want to move past them hoping they’ll eventually die buried alive- they know you should keep a wound covered. These are generalized coping mechanisms for our caveman instincts and neither of them are wrong but balance is what we need to aim for.

So if men don’t want to appear weak and women can’t help but notice their weakness how do we get really connected and intimate? I hope you weren’t expecting an easy answer.

We see and hear the story we’ve been telling ourselves and choose to change it. We heal the insecurities and decide to give our partners enough of a break to work on their own. More often than not the issues that bother us the most are a mirror reflection of what we don’t like in ourselves.

Additionally we can set some boundaries including what is allowed instead of just what isn’t allowed, giving you power over your own life. When we give our partner leeway within our boundaries we won’t get as resentful since it was our choice.

If you’re looking for a man, recognize that he won’t change except in that your love and support can help his confidence grow, bringing out his best. The level of which you are turned off by insecurity is the same level of insecurity you have to heal. Work on your own self confidence, healing your insecurities means you don’t have to talk about them all the time. P.S. if he wants to talk about it he will.

If you’re looking for a woman, work on your self esteem rather than your ego. There is a difference between vulnerability and weakness and it’s huge. Heal from your emotional wounds rather than ignoring them. And remember that women aren’t generally trying to criticize or rip your dignity to shreds. I believe deep down their purpose is to give air to the wounds you’ve been keeping covered. A wound really needs both. Once you’ve been in a relationship for a long time most women see vulnerability as intimacy rather than weakness. That takes a period of trust building beyond what is required for physical intimacy these days.

If we continue to heal and balance the generations of shame and emotional turbulence I believe we’ll alter our brain chemistry enough that we won’t have this caveman response any more. Only time will tell.

Parenting Experiment

 Tonight I did something most people, including myself might call crazy. I am a regular believer that poor behavior should not be rewarded but I decided to try an unorthodox way of giving my child some perspective and I got some very interesting results. My son had too much sugar too late at night and was having an impossible time settling down, following instructions and staying on the task of getting ready for bed. He got in trouble for it. His mood turned sour and was then looking to pick a fight with anyone that even looked his direction. After an unnecessary amount of time, frustration and threats the pajamas were on and teeth were brushed. I went to give him a good-night hug like always and he jumped right past me into bed, turned over and refused to even look at me. I said “come here, I’ve got something for you”. He responded “what… a dumb hug”? 

I said “nope”. 

“Stupid Medicine”?

 I repeated “come here, I have something for you”. 
A week or so ago one of his favorite toys broke and I knew he wanted to use some of his birthday money to replace it so I ordered in online to save time. So when he came to my room with his floppy disposition and sarcastic attitude he was quite surprised that I pulled out an Amazon box. “What’s in there” he asked. As I broke the tape holding the box closed I told him he would have to wait and see. Once I pried the box open, before I pulled out the beloved replacement toy, I gave him a heavy dose of metaphysics.

“The universe is always waiting and watching for opportunities to give you gifts. They are ready and available for whenever you want to accept them. When you are in a bad mood you focus on the negative things, your mind couldn’t even fathom the idea of receiving a prize right now therefore you miss out on gifts.

I pulled out the replacement toy and his face lit up with excitement. “This is to remind you that good things are always just around the corner. You will always find what you are looking for so if you choose to have a happy attitude you will BE happy. If you choose to focus on the negative you will find more to be negative about. NOW- this gift is contingent on you keeping your happy attitude. It’s okay to be sad or have other emotions but when you have an attitude that needs to change and you don’t change it, this gift comes back to me. The way you can get it back though is by changing your thoughts to a happy attitude. That will be hard though because if I take this away you might get upset and you will have to work even harder to change the way you feel.

It was a good conversation and I wasn’t sure how well the concept sunk in but he went to bed with a much better attitude. Shortly after that a surprising thing happened that both impressed and saddened me at the same time.

He came out of his room about 5 min later with the toy in hand and said “I don’t think I should have this, I don’t deserve it”. How many of us have turned down magnificent gifts because we didn’t feel worthy? I have spent so much of my life trying to rebuild my worth in my own eyes and now my 9 year old child is already holding himself to rigid perfection standards and punishing himself worse in his own head that I could out in the real world. I am proud he has high standards for himself but I am sad for the long road to confidence he will face because of them. I asked him what he meant and why he could possibly not deserve this gift.

He said he had been mean and that he clearly wasn’t deserving of such a nice thing. As his tears rubbed into my shirt I had an amazing opportunity to explain how he does deserve every wonderful thing that appears in his life. Being deserving doesn’t mean being good all the time. Treat people the way you want to be treated, be honest and care for others but give yourself credit and focus for the things you have done right. Don’t go breaking the law but forgive yourself for mistakes and make things right if you can. I told him that he is a good person deep down and THAT is what counts. I told him that I knew how important he will be for the world and that someone that important deserves something nice every once in a while. He agreed and wasn’t reluctant to accept his gift any longer.

I love that kid with every molicule of my existence. I loved that the grace of an ‘unearned’ gift could shift the experience we had tonight. I don’t feel like I rewarded poor behavior though. I simply reminded a good kid of who is his, what he has to offer the world, and that he has more control over his life than he realized. I think I reminded myself of that too.

Confessions of a Psychic

The word psychic has always carried a negative connotation for me that I prefer to disassociate myself from. I imagine an indifferent gypsy conwoman with grotesque hygiene and equally repugnant bedside manner. She gives a willing sucker a one size fits all “reading” to sell her story before giving them a load of what ever they came to hear, polished off with a warning to hold to a noble virtue.

The only benefit to that woman’s services is the faith she might create in her victim. If what she said enters that poor saps subconscious and they have enough faith and determination they will willingly create the object of the fortune tellers tale.

Now how does that relate to me and this story? Because throughout my life I was told by many different psychics that I “shouldn’t need help” that I am “a descendant of angels” and a “psychic of psychics”, all I need is “confidence”. I have nothing in common with the woman I just described and though I rarely charge for my services what I do only covers my costs. I have a deep love for all people because I can see who they truely are rather than their weaknesses and the sum of their mistakes. I don’t know everything and I am not perfect. 

As a child I would play with the wind and considered it a friend. Therefore, I was considered a little weird. As an empathetic and intuitive child I could sense the frequency in which others were annoyed by my weirdness and I’ll just say it didn’t do a lot for my self confidence.

As I grew up I eventually summed up my friend the wind to an imaginary playmate and moved on with my ackward adolescence. My family was very religious and fortunately open to things of a spiritual nature. I presume my mother may have lost he mind with me otherwise.

As I became an adult and more aware of myself and the world, I started to see how religion didn’t fit the perfect picture of truth I had always held it to. I began my own spiritual journey with an altruistic hope of truth and simplistic validation. I started learning about human energy and searching for spirits in haunted homes and graveyards. On more than one occasion I have seen inanimate objects move themselves and electronic devices turn themselves on and off and the volume up. I quickly figured out that I can hear and feel those that do not have a body. The process of determining when a thought was my own or someone else’s took years to develop. In my minds eye I have seen angels and demons and the dead. I received validation from others that saw the same thing. I call on angels to remove demons and carry lost souls to the light.

Being psychic is kind of like your emotions run wild and sometimes for no apparent reason until you training yourself to learn what different thoughts and feelings mean. You are susceptible to taking on other people’s negativity and sometimes even being possessed unless you learn how to protect yourself. You see glimpses and shadows of truth and are expected to know all rather than allowed to decipher a message. 

Out of all my premonitions though none have ever been more clear than those of my children. I knew exactly who was coming and when 10-20 years before they came. Each of my two pregnancies I had intuitive people try to tell me I was wrong about the gender almost as if my certainty bothered them. I had old grandma’s tell me the way I was carrying meant the gender should be different. I had so much negative re-enforcement that when the ultrasound tech told me the gender of my son I cried nearly uncontrollably. Not because I didn’t want a girl but because my convictions of my son were so strong I couldn’t imagine anyone else inside me. I was so confident of his purpose in life that I did not give birth to him the hospital. I knew there was help or destiny, what ever you want to call it, behind his arrival and nothing could stop him from being born.

My daughter I was seeing images of before she was conceived and begged my husband for one more child. She felt more fragile to me like I had lost her before and so I had her in the hospital with a midwife.

So why write all this down as if anyone will read or care? Because this morning the first paragraph sprung into my mind while I tried to sleep in. I felt so grateful for my children and the knowledge of their arrival that I was asked to write it down. 

I have used my gifts all my life to try and give others perspective that will lift their lives to new heights. It doesn’t come without sacrifice though. Being psychic is not always all it’s cracked up to be. I can’t tell people I am psychic without them putting me in a box with the gypsy fortune teller. It made it easy for me to let my life flow where I was meant to be and help those that needed my help but it makes it harder to decide what I really want knowing that I will initially fail and have to try again. I know that my stress level effects my ability to hear information clearly but feeling the pain of others can cause stress. Sometimes I am cut off completely just so that I can be allowed to make a decision on my own which feels dibilitating now.

I don’t believe my gift is special although it has it’s perks. Every amount of special I am so are you which means we’re all special and if we’re all special then it really isn’t special to be special. Everyone has their own natural talents they brought to either evolve themselves or the world with. When someone uses their natural talents sometimes it looks easier than it really is. We each are half who we naturally are and half who we decide to be. Please accept and be both. Wake up and shake the dust off your natural gifts even if they aren’t supported, decide what you want, have faith and determine not to quit until you are what you intended to be. 
At times when you feel unwanted and unloved know that I love you more than you know.

Dear Self

Dear Self,

I am writing to apologize for my behavior over the last several years. I know I let you down and I want to make it up to you.

You have so many fantastic ideas that could help people but I chose to play solitaire and like silly cat pics on Facebook instead of helping you make them happen.

I know that you have been tired and depressed because you gained weight again. I work too much and have too many responsibilities for a jog in the summer heat but that is just an excuse.

I know you want to right every injustice you see in the world. I have been too afraid to speak my mind, hurt anyone’s feelings or anger someone that might retaliate. I have been too lazy to figure out how to write to my congressmen and women, legislators or senators. I never considered that I might be able to create any sort of change on my own.

For every unstarted project, for every craving for freedom and wind in your hair, for every frustrated tear you’ve shed because I stagnated your progress, I am deeply and truly sorry.

Today I promise you that I will do better. I will write the words that need to escape your heart. I will work tirelessly to see your dreams come true. I don’t know if I alone can make a difference in the world but I commit to never stop trying. I will do my best to conquer the fear and doubt that has kept us down for so long. I will guard my thoughts vigilantly and always keep gratitude in my heart.

If I mess up, I hope you’ll forgive me quickly so that I can get right back to work. The truth is that I really do love you and you deserve the happiness that only my mindset can provide. Thank you so much for keeping it together while I was feeling so lost. I’m found now and ready for action.

Your’s Truely,

You

 

Limiting Belief #1-

 

As I have been learning to apply the law of attraction in my life I have discovered that many of my core beliefs have been leading my life in a negative way and were creating a barrier to the things that I want.  After some reflection this has been one of just a few reasons the law of attraction didn’t work when it didn’t.  If I don’t believe that what I want is possible I won’t get it!  I have set out on a journey to discover and share all my limiting beliefs because many of them our society or just old science will put them in your head.

I recently had my second baby and was feeling less than pleased with my physique so I thought back to when I felt the “hottest” and the most physically well.  Drum roll please…I was 17.  I am nearly twice that.  My mantra of “I feel as vibrant and sexy as when I was 17” was met with a barrage of objections from my subconscious.  Beneath all the negative self-chatter was this:

Limiting Belief#1

“My body will age as I do, will lose its shape, become less nimble and more tired”

I remember thinking my mother was old when she was thirty.  I notice that I occasionally limp the same way she does, sometimes for no reason.  I have many observations of how this statement is true.  However, there are many other pieces of evidence to the contrary. The bible talks about Adam and sons living until they are just over 1000 years old and even in the last century the life expectancy of humans has increased  from the 50s and 60s to the 80s and 90s.  We know that on a molecular level our bodies are made up of cells which are made up of adams that have neurons.  We shed our cells as they die and are replaced with a new cell.  Within several years we all have a completely new body.  So is there any reason that an old or damaged cell couldn’t be replaced with a young perfect cell?  Cells have the capability to change, take different shape, absorb toxins and fats or release them all at the request of your brain.  It would make sense then that you could take the beliefs that cause your body to become old or your vision to dim or to get sick and replace them with another belief.

New Belief #1

“My body is made up of vibrant energy that is ever renewing; I am young again every day.”

This is takes time to adopt the new belief but every time I think of something relating to that old belief, I sweep it out of my head and repeat my new belief.  There is a certain power to “fake it till you make it”.  If you do something and act a certain way even if you initially resist it, in time will begin to adopt it. 

Ultimately your body will listen to your mind and your body will tell you where your mind has been.  It is delicately interconnected.  I already have been able to achieve a natural state of wellness provided that I don’t allow stress into my life.  Stress seems to knock my whole physiology out of whack but only temporarily because that is also a belief. 

Here are some other common beliefs about physiology.  See which ones resonate with you and then come up with a new belief to replace it.

“If I eat too much, I’ll get fat”- your body has the ability to flush it out instead of storing it.

“If I touch germs I’ll get sick” – Your body has an immune system to prevent that.

“This illness is killing me”- Your wish is my command

“I can’t physically handle that” why not?

“I have no hope of recovery”- New cells every day…

“I am too tired” –physical activity relaxes the body and allows you to get real rest.

Whatever your limiting belief, remember that it is all in your head.

 

Gratitude

I am grateful for the rain that cleanses the earth and my soul.

I am grateful for my sight that I might see all the beautiful colors mother nature has to offer.

I am grateful for my children and the learning lessons they provide so that I may be a better person as well as parent.

I am grateful for my mother who “never let me do anything” and kept me safe.

I am grateful for traffic that slows be down and reminds me that “I will get there when I’m supposed to get there.

I am grateful for my husband’s ex-wife for helping him be the man that he is and for the beautiful children they share.

I am grateful for seemingly bad timing that forces destiny to manifest.

I am grateful for my tears to tell me when I’m out of balance and to help me re-balance.

I am grateful for bees that cross pollinate my flowers and vegetables allowing them to grow bigger and more abundantly.

I am grateful that my grandmother long since past, can go with me everywhere I go and provide comfort or guidance during my challenges.

I am grateful for the wisdom and knowledge my mentors freely departed to me.

I am grateful for my stressful job that has taught me how to find peace among chaos.

I am grateful for the fights I have with my spouse that help us learn to communicate better for the future.

I am grateful for my best friend who loves and supports me and kicks my butt when I do something stupid.

I am grateful for the conveniences of our modern day and the fact that we each can really do whatever we want to do.

I am so grateful that you read this!

Kyra Adamo

Sport’s Fanatics Everywhere

I went to a soccer game this week and I have been so impressed upon by the behavior of the fans that I can not help but write something.  This is not what I intended my first post to be about.

I believe in healthy competition.  It forces us to strive for our own personal best while also alleviating a bit of ego because very few win every time.  When I teach my children about competition and how to deal with the sting of defeat I ask them to congratulate their opponent with a warning that they will bring their best performance to their next encounter.  I also ask them to be humble in victory because you can’t win without an opponent.  It’s important for us to remember this level of sportsmanship, after all, don’t we all love the game?  

I suppose that sportsmanship is much easier to keep in view when you are playing the game yourself!  What I saw at this soccer game was not mankind’s best moment.  Of course all the fans cheered for our team but it almost seemed that there was more negativity shouted out for the opposing team than cheer was shouted for our own team.  These fans shouted at the goalie of the other team that our score was all his fault.  They heckled and teased every move he made to the point I thought they wouldn’t be satisfied until he’d hung himself from that goal post.  

We sat next to a fan of the opposing team who wore an old timey mustache, I believe to make him look more tough.  He was the only opposing fan on that side of the stadium and several fans boo him telling him to sit down as he would cheer for his team which nearly started 2-3 fights. 

We see religious extremists as dangerous and excessive because we are not religious extremists. Have you ever been in Boston after a Red Sox game?  Myanmar Stadium was damaged by fans brawling, tearing up the seats and running out onto the pitch just this year. Wikipedia has a whole document titled “List of violent spectator incidents in sports”.  On this list starting in 1879 every year closer to present day shows a dramatic incline of violent spectators and you know they don’t have ALL incidents documented.  The fans don’t seem to loose with the team any more, they aren’t humbled by defeat.  Instead they just blame someone else: the ref, the venue, the players.  A true fan wins and looses with the team and they feel with the team.  Modern sports is more about feeling AT the team rather than with it.  I don’t envy the professional player that ever makes a mistake (which is all of them, they’re human) because metaphysically to have hundreds or thousands even millions of people having that kind of strong feelings toward them becomes physical energy that I know they can feel.  Sure they can handle a lot pf pressure but that is the very reason many self medicate or even skip the self and just get medicated.  

The negativity these violent episodes leave behind is not only bad for you but also your team.   Laws of the universe state that like attracts like.  Your team might even play better with a positive vibe. That is not to say that you shouldn’t be aggressive or try to win.  It means to recognize that it is a GAME and there are PEOPLE playing it.  You cheer for your team and that’s it.  You don’t play vicious mind games to create self doubt or diminishing thoughts. You can’t be both positive and negative at the same time, pick one.  You want your opponent to play their best game!

Now I know I am a woman and not a huge sports fan (I’m sure this will be my only sports post) and that deep down men have this need to kill each other but I encourage you to check yourself at the next sporting event you attend.  Ask yourself if you’re actually having fun or if you are feeling the intensity of hatred and conflict. Are you putting more positive or negative energy out into the world? There is no time like the present to take a look inward and rediscover the sportsmanship that makes so many games America’s favorite past time.